What the Heart Hides
by Wonder and Ashes
Summary: Buffy has had a crush on Spike ever since she first laid eyes on him. He's never returned her feelings – until now. But with years of insecurities on her shoulders, can Buffy finally bring herself to be happy? Oneshot, AU-ish.


**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Story Notes**: I saw this challenge and was intrigued with where I could go with it. How would Buffy act if she's had a crush on Spike the whole time? I enjoyed writing her with a crush she knows is wrong but can't help but have anyway. Which is what some crushes are like. And sorry if Spike acts too much like a jerk at the beginning, but remember, that's what he was like when he first arrived in Sunnydale.

I'm not sure if the finished product is up to standards, but I'm posting anyway. Just trying to get back into a writing routine...

* * *

I turn and see a beautiful man.

I never thought I'd ever describe a man as beautiful – it's always handsome or dreamy – but that's what he is. His bleach blonde hair is like a halo of gold above his head, in stark contrast of the all black ensemble beneath.

He's clapping. Did he watch me fight? Is he impressed? God, I hope he's impressed.

Tingles. At the back of my neck. There's another vampire in the area. I almost turn to see where he could be, but then it clicks that the handsome stranger before me is the vampire in question.

Not fair. What a waste of a good face.

"Who are you?" I ask. I try not to sound breathless. There will be no lusting after the evil undead.

"You'll find out on Saturday," he says. So he's going for the cryptic talk. How original. Is it just a vampire thing? Angel's the same, and he's supposed to be a good guy.

I go along with Mr. Cryptic. "What happens on Saturday?"

He smirks, and my heart almost melts at how gorgeous he looks. "I kill you."

What a way to put a damper on things. But what else should I expect? He's an evil vampire who wants to kill me for reasons unknown, but survey says it's because I kill his kind and he wants some payback.

I should forget about him. Think about Angel, the good vampire. But I can't. No matter what I do, I can't shake this mysterious vampire from my thoughts.

And the wet dream I _know_ I'm going to get about him? Really won't help.

* * *

Spike. Infuriating. But confusing.

Evil and lethal. But tender and kind around his girlfriend.

Lucky bitch.

I think about my last two encounters with the Slayer of Slayers. Oh yeah, he kills Slayers, too. Talk about a guy I can never have.

I shouldn't even want him. But _god_, do I ever. I must be going through that 'bad boy' phase all teenage girls are required by some hidden law to experience.

But the encounters… The first time I wasn't myself. I dressed as some damsel in distress in order to impress Spike. Not Angel, as I'd told Willow. Spike. Thought he might be into the women of his time period, but I got mixed up. Turns out he was turned in the Victorian era, a century out of what I was told.

Barely two hundred, my ass. Thanks a lot, Giles.

It didn't work. Spike just tried to kill me, which is confusing in itself. From what I read, Spike always believes in fighting fair when it comes to Slayers, and that wasn't exactly fair, was it? I was weakened, and he still tried to kill me. I don't get it. Did he just decide to throw his believes out the window randomly for one night?

And then there was that thing with Ford. Why oh why did he think it was a good idea to get turned? And why did he have to drag those other teenagers into it, too? That girl Spike almost killed must be traumatized.

But when I threatened Drusilla, Spike immediately stopped and let everyone go. The fear in his eyes was undeniable. Giles and even Angel keep on telling me that without a soul, there is no love. Yeah right. I might as well make a motivational poster out of Spike's expression and hang it in the library for everyone to see.

And maybe Angel's apartment, too-

A fist collides with my face.

"You soddin' bitch!"

Spike. Pissed off. Wonderful.

"Look…" I pick myself off the ground. "I know you're upset, but I had to get those kids out of there, and you shouldn't have even brought your girlfriend along in the first place!"

"She's sick," he tells me, like I don't already know it. "I need to heal her. You ever had a loved one who's sick?"

I nod. "Yeah. That's why I didn't actually stake her. I'm nice like that, unlike _you_."

He takes a few steps back and lights up a cigarette. A vampire who smokes. Weird, much? Breathing, being near a lit flame…and he really looks sexy when he lets his cigarette dangle from his mouth like that… Focus, Summers…

He looks at me then, blue eyes boring into my. "Yeah, well, _evil_."

"I've read about you," I say before I can stop myself. "You believe in a fair fight, so why did you try and kill me on Halloween? I was weak; not really a fair fight, was it?"

His face screws with anger again as he spits the cigarette to the ground and stomps on it. "You watch your tongue. Yeah, I fight fair. But in case you haven't noticed, my girl's close to dustin' the big one, and you're gettin' in the way of me healin' her. Could've maybe used your blood, or just gotten you outta the way for the sake of it."

OK, that actually makes sense. He wouldn't just up and randomly let me live when he had his bitchy girlfriend to think about. Why should he spare a girl he's supposed to hate – his enemy – when he has more important things on his plate, like the dying love of his life?

It's just me and my wishful thinking. Hoping that maybe there's a better man under there and I can draw him out if I try hard enough…

I bring my arms across my chest and look down. "And you could've just killed Ford. I had to stake him…"

Spike rolls his eyes. "The git wanted to become a vamp, and he got his wish. Not for long, by the sounds of it, but he got what he wanted." He frowns at me then, and I shrink back. "I see what you're tryin' to do. Think I prefer the Slayers who just go 'round with their stakes and stab where their Watchers tell them to. You've got all these ideas that there's a little bit of good in everyone if you look hard enough, even in soulless evil creatures like myself. No doubt an outlook inspired by my wanker Grandsire. Bet he _loves_ the benefits of his shiny new soul."

"Stop talking." Before I start crying…

He just continues to stare at me with that look. Anger, disgust, loathing; all rolled into one. Heart-breaking that it's on a face that good. "The world isn't some soddin' fairy tale. A bad man isn't gonna consider turnin' into a bloody white hat – forget about who he is and what he's got – just 'cause some blonde bitch bats their eye lashes. What did you expect? That you'd worm your way into my heart and make me see the error of my ways? Please! All I'm tempted to do to you is maybe give you a quick shag – as I drain you dry. Go run along to the poofter and live out your fantasies with him."

And with that he walks away, black coat swirling around his legs.

He knew. Or at least suspected. I don't think he knows about the crush – great, I'm actually calling it a _crush_ now – but he knew what I was trying to do. What I wasn't even aware I was doing myself. At least he thinks I was doing it for the good of the Slayer. At least, that's what it sounded like…

I shake my head, turn, and hurry back home. He's right. Maybe I should just go back to Angel. He's good. Right. He has a soul.

And being with him might fill the empty hole in my heart.

* * *

Angel loved me. But Angelus doesn't love me.

He can love. I'm certain of that. In his own, twisted way. I read in Giles's books that he was somewhat devoted to Darla for over a century – and by somewhat I mean they betrayed each other on occasion when it best suited them – so that must be some kind of love.

Kind of puts a new perspective on Angel's attraction to me, since I'm blonde and short like she was. It makes me shudder.

Angelus is out there, probably laughing with Spike and Drusilla about how horrible I was in bed. It was my first time; can I be blamed for being horrible?

Maybe I'm just unlovable. I try to be what men want, and they don't want that. They want the bitches. Spike wants Drusilla, Angelus wants Darla… Heck, Xander's even with Cordelia now, although I was never into him, anyway. Even though he was into me…

I cry. I cry and I cry.

* * *

I go to the school and wait. The ghosts should be appearing any time now, and maybe because I'm alone no one will get hurt…

I sense someone behind me.

Spike?

I turn. He's there, standing on his own two feet again. I kicked myself when I realized that I'd put him in a wheelchair, but in my defence, I was very angry at the time. There he was, saving that ho Drusilla, carrying her out of the church…

I got the image of him doing the same with me, and I saw red.

At least he's better now. But since he's probably here to kill me…

I open my mouth to speak, but instead of my own words, I say, "You're the only one; the only person I can talk to. You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over." I feel something take control of my body and I can't fight against it. All I can do is watch.

Spike frowns at me and walks over. He opens his mouth to speak, but instead of a query – probably to ask 'what the bloody hell is going on?' – he says, "I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that; don't you see?"

"I don't give a _damn_ about a normal life!" I yell – or rather, the spirit yells. "I'm going crazy not seeing you! I think about you every minute."

"I know. But it's over. It has to be!" Spike turns and starts to walks away.

I chase after him. "Come back here! We're not finished!" I grab his arm and turn him to face me. I see the pain in his eyes and I want it to go away. But I know I can't, and I know this isn't real. "You don't care anymore; is that it?!"

"I doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what I feel!" Spike yells.

I can't stop the tears in my eyes. They belong to the spirit – and maybe they belong to me, too. Everything that's happened over the past few weeks – Angel, Miss Calendar – just makes me feel horrible inside. Like I don't deserve to be loved. And why should men love me? Giles lost the love of his life because I didn't have the guts to stake Angelus. "Then tell me you don't love me! Say it!"

"Is that what you need to hear?" Spike says. I see the tears in his own eyes and it breaks my heart, even though I know they're not his own. "Will that help? I don't. I don't, now let me go." He pulls out of my grip and backs away.

I shake my head. "No! A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving somebody!" Suddenly there's a gun in my hand – tears and angst aside, where the hell does that thing keep coming from? – and I point it at Spike. His eyes widen at the sight of it and he backs away further. "Love is forever. I'm not afraid to use it, I swear! If I can't be with you…"

"Oh my God." He turns and runs down the hall.

"Don't walk away from me, bitch!" I yell. OK, so Spike's not a bitch since he's a guy – more like a bastard – which is further proof that this isn't real. This isn't between us. Spike keeps running and I run after him, chasing him outside. "Stop it! Stop it, don't make me!"

Then he pauses and I pause, too. He's turned away from me, hiding his expression.

"Alright…just…" He turns, and for a moment I see the teacher from long ago, heartbroken and crying. "You know you don't wanna do this. Let's both…just calm down." Then I see Spike again as he holds out his hand. "Now give me the gun."

I shake my head. "Don't… Don't do that, dammit! Don't talk to me like I'm just some stupid-"

I hear a gunshot. I shot him. I shot Spike.

There's blood coming out of his chest. He looks down at it and then back at me. "James…" And then he falls over the balcony, disappearing from sight.

There's no one to stop me now. I walk slowly back down the hall towards the music room. I scream silently, telling the spirit to stop, but he doesn't. He just guides my body inside the room and over towards the old record player. I turn it on, and the song '_I Only Have Eyes For You_' begins to play. I turn to look in the mirror, and instead of my reflection I see the face of the teenage boy staring back at me, trying to make me understand his pain. But I already do.

I keep on screaming at him to stop as he raises the gun to his head.

Suddenly I feel a hand grab mine and pull the gun away. I turn and there's Spike, standing there with the bullet wound visible, but completely unharmed. "Grace?" Of course he's fine. Bullets can't kill vampires.

"Don't do this," he tells me.

"But I killed you." If I had a stake then maybe I would've… Oh wait, James is talking.

"It was an accident," he says. "It wasn't your fault."

I don't get it. Of course it was my…James's fault. He was holding the gun. He tried to kill her in the first place. "But it _is_ my fault! How could-?"

Spike places a finger on my lips. Wow. "I'm the one who should be sorry, James. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath." His hand touches my cheek softly. "No more tears."

I still don't get it. How could she forgive him after-?

He's kissing me. Spike lips. On mine. I kiss back.

We pull away, and when I look into his eyes, I know the spirits are gone. And not just because I no longer feel trapped in my own body.

His eyes widen before he flees. And I'm left standing alone.

* * *

Spike wants to help me.

OK, so it's only to save Drusilla, but it's also because he likes the world. That means he cares, right?

Stop. I can't think about that now. I need to stay focussed. Angelus needs to die, and I'm gonna be the one to do it.

* * *

Scott's nice. Sweet. He even said he's OK with us just being friends if I'm not ready.

But I'm ready. I have to be ready. I need to find a guy who actually has a heartbeat. No more vampire boyfriends for me.

Willow says I need to move on from Angel. But Angel's not the vampire I'm thinking about.

* * *

Angel's back.

Spike's back.

Spike's drunk because Drusilla dumped him, which I'm happy about, but why is he thinking he'll always love her? There're other fish in the sea. And it's not like she really loved him, anyway. She doesn't deserve him, the bitch.

Oh god, I promised myself I'd move on. Guess that boat's sailed.

"Love's not brains, children. It's blood." Boy is he right. I know that my crush on him will never lead to anything good, or anything at all. I can't act out on it. It'll never be returned. But no matter what I do, the heart wants what the heart wants. My blood, working its will, just like Spike says.

I'll feel weird and lusty wrong things for him until it kills me.

I tell Angel that we need to stay away from each other. I can't be around him when my thoughts are on another vampire entirely.

* * *

Angel can't be around me.

OK, so my plan to stay away from him lasted until Christmas, when he tried to kill himself by watching the sunrise and confessed that he wants me so badly he's willing to lose his soul again. I know words like that should send me running for the hills, but the loneliness got to me and I decided "What the hell?"

He claims I need a normal life. That I should find a normal guy to be with. Yeah, since when has my life ever been normal? And I tried the normal guys; they didn't work out. Owen almost got himself killed and Scott broke up with me because I was too distracted. I think Angel's just saying it because he knows he can't be with me; that he's frustrated that he can't sleep with me.

I didn't want to sleep with him again, anyway.

* * *

I promised myself I wasn't going to cry anymore. But how can I keep my promise after what happened today?

Parker seemed nice. Dependable. He talked to me like he understood me; like he got it. He was no Spike, but I told myself that Spike would bring nothing but badness. And there's the whole 'he wants to kill me' thing. I figured that doing what Angel said would be good for me; I could stop chasing what I can't have and settle down with something I should want.

Boy, did that blow up in my face.

Parker used me. Reeled me in like a mindless fish, and once he got what he wanted, he ditched me like yesterday's meatloaf. Sucky metaphors for a sucky experience.

But that's not what I'm crying about. Parker's an ass, and there's no use crying over him.

I'm crying because of Spike.

He came back to kill me. Found the Gem of Amara, made some hurtful comments about how I must be terrible in bed, before fighting me to the death. I was able to hold it together while we were fighting, but afterwards…

I couldn't kill him. I just took the ring and let him run for cover. Yeah, I got your ring, Spike, and I'm not giving it back to you. I'll send it to Angel. He could benefit from it. Plus, revenge.

I cry. Not as hard as when Angel lost his soul, but I cry all the same. Why the fuck can't I get over him? Spike's a bigger ass than Parker. He doesn't deserve my tears. And yet I can't stop. At least Willow thinks I'm crying over Parker.

I can't tell her the truth. She'll never understand.

* * *

"Ow! You're cuttin' off my circulation!"

"You don't _have_ any circulation."

Spike. Right there. Right in front of me. Don't kiss him, Summers. Don't think about those lips and how they once caressed so gently…

Shoot. Why did Spike have to come back? Defenceless and unable to kill me? I finally think I can move on with Riley, but then Spike has to come crashing back into my life, displaying the oh so irresistible body I can never have.

And who am I kidding? Riley's just a convenience. I'm even admitting it. But he likes me, so is there anything wrong with giving him what he wants? I need a distraction. A nice, normal, dependable distraction from the evil undead.

A distraction that keeps me from jumping the evil undead's bones. It's not like he can fight back now…

Oh my god, did I really just think that?

He hates me, and I'm supposed to hate him. That's the way it goes. He glares up at me and I glare down at him, even though it hurts.

"I came to you in friendship."

Really?

"Alright, seethin' hatred."

Pooh.

"But I've got information, and I think I'm bein' mistreated."

"So tell me everything you know." Then I can untie him, because right now? Getting _way_ too many naughty and kinky thoughts…

"I'm too hungry to remember everything."

And why does him being irritating turn me on? I slap his head, so he doesn't see me biting my lip to stop myself from giggling like a schoolgirl with a crush.

* * *

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry…

Screw it. I think I deserve to cry this time.

We were in love. Spike and I. In love. Kissing. Cuddling. Sitting on his lap. Getting married. The whole nine yards.

But it was just a spell. I really, really want to hate Willow for doing this to me.

When it got lifted, Spike stopped kissing me. I pulled away, and when I saw the look of wide-eyed horror on his face, I mimicked him. I had to hide my heartbreak somehow.

And hiding it behind disgustedly spitting out Spike's taste, while yelling, "Spike lips! Lips of Spike!" was a good way to do it.

Why am I hurting over this? Why, why, why? I should move on. I've been telling myself that for years now. I need to forget about Spike, lose myself in Riley and just get on with my life. Kicking myself over a guy I can't have… It's kinda pathetic. I've turned into one of those girls I used to make fun of.

Of course, it would be much easier to forget about Spike if I wasn't seeing him every day at my Watcher's home.

* * *

I know that Riley and I can't work. But I have to keep trying, for my own sake. Because if I end it between us, then my attention will be turned back to the one man I can never have.

The man who I still want, even after all this time.

I'm a horrible person. Spike tried to get his chip out in order to kill me – and Riley, too – and I can't even go kill him for it. I still want him, even though he almost got Riley killed. I should be comforting Riley after his operation to save him, but instead all I can think about is Spike.

Why can't I get him out of my mind?

I tell Riley that I don't want a superman as my boyfriend, else I'll be dating Spike. But I'm really just trying to tell myself that. And I think he knows it, too.

He knows I don't really love him. That I'm just using him. And yet neither of us can end this relationship – if we can even call it that. It's not love, and sometimes I wonder if it's even _like_. Because Riley only wants the idea of me; a kick-ass girlfriend he can fight alongside.

And I just want a distraction.

* * *

Spike. Standing outside my house. Why is he standing outside my house, hiding behind the tree in the front yard?

"What are you doing?" I ask him. "Five words or less."

He counts on his fingers. "Out. For. A. Walk. …Bitch."

If I wasn't so annoyed, I'd probably laugh. Because that's just clever, hilarious and awesome all rolled into one.

Wait a minute… "Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, _William_." I say his name through gritted teeth. I have to do something to keep up the delusion that I hate his guts and don't fantasize about having him on top of me instead of Riley…

Oh my god, depraved much?

"On your merry way, then," he tells me. It looks like he's going to lose his temper, but something seems…off tonight. Something's not right about the way he looks at me, but I can't put my finger on it. "You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts…and…_other_ parts…of this town. And I _would_ pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole 'burst into flame' phase."

Is he going to just talk himself into a hole? Or is that dig himself deeper… Whatever, I don't have time for dumb figure of speeches I really don't get. I have more important things to worry about, like who the hell is that in my house if she's not actually my sister.

"Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break."

But he doesn't walk away. He just keeps talking. What's with him tonight? I know he loves the sound of his own voice…and I kinda do, too…

"Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess: you won't kill me? Oooh, the whole crowd-pleasin' threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passin' through. Satisfied?" He turns to walk away…but then he turns back again. "You know, I really hope so, because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shaggin' Captain Cardboard and…I never really liked you anyway and…and…you have stupid hair." And then he really does walk away.

OK, what the hell was that about? Spike's never acted like that before. And how long did it take him to come up with that insult? A few seconds, tops. He needs to work on them. He's losing his touch.

And yeah, I need some satisfaction in my life, because Riley? Not enough. But I can't exactly go chase after Spike and ask to sleep with him, because then he'll probably just laugh in my face or act weird again which is new but-

Why are there dozens of cigarette buds under the tree? How long has Spike been standing out here?

* * *

How can I thank Spike for what he did? Would he even want my thanks? Will he just throw it back in my face and laugh at what he'll call "my pathetic attempt" to turn him into a white hate?

But he was the one who punched Tara in the first place.

And isn't that hilarious? I'm thanking Spike for punching someone in the nose. But Tara thought she was a demon – thanks to her so called "family" – and in punching her, Spike activated his chip and proved she's human. Not demon, but human.

OK, so it wouldn't have mattered if she'd been a demon. She'd already proved that she's on our side and not evil. We were all willing to stand by her, because it doesn't matter what you are; it's _who_ you are that really counts.

Who is Spike?

He didn't have any gain in punching her. If anything he lost out, since it caused considerable pain to himself. Unless he was offended that someone like Tara thought she was a demon, in which case punching her in the nose would make sense…

But doing it while causing pain to himself? Ugh, my head hurts.

I reach his crypt and go to kick the door down, but then I pause and think that maybe I should knock, instead. It might put him in a better mood and maybe then he'll be less inclined to insult me when I thank him…

Thank him? What am I doing again?

I left the party – my friends, my supposed boyfriend – to walk into a cemetery, seek out a vampire and thank him. Am I crazy? Am I just falling for my own wishful thinking that Spike's starting to change, and that if he is I might stand a chance with him?

I hesitate. Maybe this is a bad idea.

Suddenly the door is yanked open and Spike's standing before me with… Oh god, where's his shirt…?

"Usually you would've kicked the door in by now," says Spike. "You feelin' alright, Slayer?"

He's asking if I'm OK. But only because I haven't kicked the door in. He's not worried, just curious and probably annoyed that I'm cutting into his "telly time", and why can I sense another vampire in there…?

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say. "Just…um…I just wanted to say…thanks for, um… What you did for Tara tonight was…" Don't look at his Greek God chest, don't look at his Greek God chest…

He rolls his eyes. "If you think I'm goin' soft and have come to congratulate me for puttin' on a white hat, then you can forget it. Only did that 'cause I happen to like Glinda. She's the only one out of you lot who doesn't treat me like dirt, apart from your mum and sis, but…"

Glinda? Oh, Tara. Glinda the Good Witch. That's actually pretty clever.

And he did it because he maybe sorta likes her. Which is better than the theory I came up with, but still…

"Yeah, well…" I hesitate some more. What else can I say to him? This is getting really, really awkward now…

"I mean, it's not like I'm refusin', you know?" Spike suddenly adds. "If you lot need help then I'll…help…but only if you ask and if you pay me, 'cause a vamp's gotta live, and blood and smokes cost money, which is something I don't have unless I get paid for my troubles. But…I'll help…"

I blink. Is Spike really offering to help? For money of course, but I can't really expect anything less from him. Before, he just wanted us to leave him alone and made a point out of saying he'll never help us. What changed his mind? What's changed in the past few months – heck, the past few weeks – that's suddenly making him consider helping us?

I go to say something – ask about his intentions, encourage him, I don't know – when I see a flash of blonde behind him.

Harmony.

Harmony's with him. And considering what Harmony was to him the last time I saw them together…

"Alright. I'll…call if…" I can't say anymore. I turn and hurry away, trying not to run and trying to hold back the tears.

He'd rather sleep with Harmony? Freaking _Harmony_? Spike has seriously bad tastes in women.

Once again, a bitch gets the guy.

* * *

I can't take my eyes off Spike as he kneels before me.

The idea of spending an entire evening with Spike was exciting at first. I'd get to talk to him, even if the circumstances are ones I'd rather not be under, but I'd still get to spend time with him.

Now, I'm not really liking it. Or what he has to say.

"Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: what's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She simply wanted it: every Slayer has a death wish. Even you." He rises to his feet. "The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is 'cause you've got ties to the world. Your mum, your sis, Watcher, Scoobies; they all tie you here. But you're just puttin' off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second – the _second_-" He slaps his hands right in front of my face, and I try not to flinch, "-that happens…you know I'll be there. I'll slip in…and have myself a real good day."

I know he's telling the truth. He can see right through me, and that's scary. I should be excited that he can – that means he knows me, and knowing a person is where relationships start – but I can't be excited, because he still wants to kill me. And if he ever gets his chip out, I know he will. Because I know I'll never be able to kill him – so the only option would be for him to kill me. And the scary thing is, I'll probably let him.

So much for girl power.

"Get out of my sight," I tell him. I forget about the money in my pocket. I can't give it to him, not after this. He doesn't deserve to be paid. He said he'd help, and this is far from helpful. "Now."

He smirks. Asshole. "Ooh. Did I scare you? You're the Slayer, do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to."

Why is he taunting me like this? Can he not see that I'm on the verge of doing something I _know_ I'll regret later? "I mean it."

"So do I." The humour in his eyes is gone; the taunting. There's something else there, now. Something different. I don't know what it is, because it's something I've never seen before. I can't put a name to it. "Give it me good, Buffy. Do it!"

Do what? What does he want me to do? "Spike…" Just as I say his name he begins to lean in, and I instinctively step back. "What the hell are you doing?!" Seriously, what was that? Why did he lean in? People only lean in like that when they want to kiss someone, and I know that Spike would never kiss me without being under some kind of spell…

He grips my arms as tightly as his chip will allow him. "Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance."

He wants us to fight, despite the chip. But the tone of his voice is sort of seductive, and it suggests that he wants to do a different kind of dance…one I've wanted to do with him since the day I first laid eyes on him…

No. I can't go down that road. I can't bring myself to hope. If my heart breaks again, it'll destroy me. I'll want that death wish. I need to push him away. It's wrong to want him, and I just need to keep pushing him away until my heart believes it. It's the only way I can save myself; stop my heart from wanting death.

"Say it's true. Say I _do_ want it." I push Spike to the ground with everything I have. "It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would _never_ be you. You're beneath me."

Since when did my life become one big fat lie? I refuse to answer the question as I throw the money at Spike's feet before turning and walking away. I can't look back. I know my resolve will crumble if I do.

* * *

Mom. Headaches. Hospital. CAT scan.

My thoughts travel a mile a minute as I sit on the porch in the back yard and let the tears flow. What would I do if I lost Mom? I can't lose her. I just can't. I bury my head in my hands.

I hear someone walking towards me. I look up and see Spike. He's blurry, but I'm able to see the shotgun in his hands. So he's come to finish the job, then? Somehow that doesn't make me angry. I always knew he'd be the death of me.

"What do you want now?" I focus on his face long enough to see fury in his eyes. But then I notice that fury fading away, being replaced with uncertainty and… Is that sympathy? It can't be, can it…?

"What's wrong?" If I wasn't looking at him, I would never have believed he'd asked me that. But he did, and he's looking at me like he cares. Does he? Spike's never been much of a faker – always so brutally honesty, and tonight proved that – so maybe he does care. Not in the way I'd want him to, but at least somewhat.

I look away. I can't stand to look at him when he's staring at me like that. "I don't wanna talk about it." Even though I'm dying to confess everything to him; what's wrong with Mom, the danger Dawn's in, how my friends don't understand, the fake-out that is my relationship with Riley, the fact that I've been wanting Spike since the day I first laid eyes upon him…

I hear him lower his shotgun. "Is…is there something I can do?"

Part of me wants to answer him; to ask him to take that shotgun and end it all for me. My life's already screwed up enough. If death means that I stop screwing up…

Oh my god, what am I thinking? My eyes widen, hopefully not enough for him to notice. I can't just end my life. What kind of person would I be if I did that? And over a guy, of all things? No guy is worth my life. I need to stay strong; keep living. For my friends, my family, and myself.

I feel him sit beside me, putting the gun away. Then I feel him gently patting my back. He's trying to comfort me, in his own way.

I don't question what it means. I don't have the energy to. Instead we just sit there, listening to the silence of the night.

* * *

I'm not crying, because I know it's been a long time coming. It was only a matter of time before things between Riley and I feel apart.

But I didn't expect this. I never expected him to start going to vamp "whorehouses"; letting them feed off him. How could he do that? How could he risk his life like that? And not just his life, but the lives of my friends and family? He could've been turned, and if he'd arrived at my front door and either Mom or Dawn had let him in…

I shake my head. I can't think about that now.

And Spike was the one who showed me. When I first saw Riley in there – when I ran – I thought Spike had shown me to hurt me. But setting fire to that place made me rewind, and I realized that it wasn't Spike's intention at all. The look on his face – when he appeared in my room, when we were walking there, when I saw Riley in that room – was not one of humour.

He was trying to help.

"I thought you should know…" he had been saying as I ran, but not in a way that suggested taunting. It was sympathetic. Spike had been trying to help. Actually trying to help me, without asking for money and anything in return, and what did I do?

I punched him. Hard. In the face. When he'd run out after me. And remembering the look on his face… He'd been coming to see if I was alright.

So after I take care of the house, I go to see him.

I'm steps away from the door when I hear voices. One is Spike's. The other belongs to…

Riley.

Oh god, Riley.

I don't have to guess to know what he's doing there. I break into a run and slam the door open, in time to see Riley pin Spike against the wall and drive a stake through his heart.

"NO!"

Before I know what I'm doing I'm crossing the room, pulling Riley from Spike, punching him, blinking back the tears that are forming in my eyes, ignoring Spike's cries of pain as he turns to…

"Wait…"

His voice is small and uncertain, and I realize that Spike should have dusted by now. I turn and see him still pinned against the wall, looking down at the stake in his chest with confusion in his eyes. My hurt and anger melts away as I leave Riley on the floor and move cautiously towards Spike. Seeing that he's still in pain, I quicken my pace and yank the stake out.

"OW! Bloody hell, Slayer!"

I ignore his complaints. I look at the stake in my hand and realize that it's plastic. Made to look like a stake. Why would Riley have this? Why would he have this on his person? A dark thought crosses my mind as I slowly turn to him.

"Why do you have this?" I thought Riley was supposed to be the nice guy. And if this plastic stake suggests what I think it suggests…

"Buffy…" I can see that he wants to explain but knows that I won't like his explanation, so remains silent.

I shake my head. "The only reason I can think of for you owning this is to stake vamps and leave them helpless while you beat on them. Is killing them not enough? It should be. I kill vampires; I don't torture them."

"I'm not strong enough to keep up-"

"So you leave them helpless to make you feel better." I laugh bitterly. "Wow. And here I thought you no longer had an issue with your lack of superpowers." No, that's a lie. I knew it always bothered him, and deep down I knew that this would be what broke us up. Or at least one of the reasons why. "I guess that explains why you let them bite you. You wanted to make them helpless until they needed you, and then you gave it to them."

"Don't twist what I was doing with them in that place," he tells me. "I know I screwed up-"

"Yeah, you screwed up big time," I say. "What were you thinking, risking your life like that so you could, what? Get off on something? They could've turned you, and I wouldn't have known it until it was too late. Until you killed someone I care about."

"I would never have let it get that far."

"You already let it get far enough." I throw the plastic stake at him, and he doesn't dodge it in time; it hits him square in the face. "And what's more, you decide to come and torture the person who came and told me what was going on. You're blaming Spike for _your_ mistake, and as annoying as Spike is, he doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve to get hurt for something that was never his fault."

It looks like Riley wants to say something to that, but instead he clenches his fist and takes in a deep breath. "I know it's my fault. I feel like hell for what I've put you through. It's just…these girls…"

"Vampires. Killers."

He ignores my correction. "They made me feel something, Buffy. They needed me."

I scoff. "They needed your _money_ and you _blood_. To them, you're a snack, Riley. A willing, idiotic snack!"

"They needed me more than you did," he tells me. "You keep me at a distance, Buffy. You didn't even call me when your mom went into the hospital."

Is he seriously…? "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't put your needs above everything else when I thought that my mother was dying."

"I want to take care of you!"

"Which I don't _need_! That's not who I am and that's not how I'm built!" I yell. "I've been killing demons since I was fifteen. I learnt how to stand on my own two feet, _without_ some guy to lean on, and that's what makes me '_me_'. It's part of what the Slayer is. But you don't want that; you want me to be the weaker one, to need you and make you feel less inadequate about yourself. It all comes back to that, doesn't it? You can't stand the fact that I'm stronger than you."

"That's hard sometimes, I'll admit, but…" He sighs. "You say you're giving me everything, but I don't feel it."

I pause. I know he's right. I've been using him because I can't have what I really want; because he's what everyone says I _should_ want. I've been telling myself that I want him – that I _should_ want him – for little under a year, but I haven't been convincing myself. And from the looks of things, I haven't been convincing him, either.

That's why he did what he did. Because I'm not giving him my all.

"You know what?" I say. "You're right. I haven't been giving you everything – because I don't feel it. _Us_. I never did. I tried because people kept telling me it's what I should want. It's what I need to make me happy; to make my life worth living. But you know what? They don't know me. You don't know me. It's not what I want, and I don't think it's what I need. I knew that all along, but I tried because it's what everyone wanted. You wanted it, my friends wanted it, so I figured 'Who's it gonna hurt?' Besides from myself."

"Buffy-"

"Don't." I step back. I can't let him touch me. Never again. "I'm sorry I led you on; I'm sorry I made you feel that things could work between us. But I never wanted you. I was just fooling myself. I'm sorry, Riley. I should have ended this a long time ago. But it doesn't excuse you from doing what you did."

"I know." He looks down. "The military want me back. It's deep undercover, no contact with civilians. They came here to get me. Transport's leaving tonight. I was going to tell you. I don't know if I'm going, but if we can't work this out…"

Any guilt I feel vanishes. "So, what? You were going to give me an ultimatum? If I couldn't forgive you for what you did, you were just gonna up and leave? You're unbelievable. There I was admitting that part of me is to blame for this – and it still is, I'm not denying that – and then you go around and say that if we don't work this out, you're leaving. Well leave. I've already told you that I never wanted you. That should be answer enough. Get out of town, take your stupid plastic stake, and don't let the door hit you on the way out."

He stands there for a moment, as if he half expects me to change my mind, before realizing that I'm not. He reaches down to pick up the stake before he leaves, and if I never see his face again it'll be too soon.

"As satisfyin' as that was, Slayer, I'm bleedin' to death here. Well, more to death…"

I turn and gasp. I'd forgotten that Spike's still here. Well, this is _his_ crypt…

I hurry to fetch bandages for him, forgetting about Riley.

* * *

Big troll. In the Bronze. Must be Tuesday.

I charge at him in order to stop him from wrecking the place, but he just tosses me aside. I turn around in time to see Spike following my lead, only to get tossed away in a similar manner – and in my direction.

He lands on me. With his hands on my boobs. OK, that's really, really nice…

But the troll is still swinging his big hammer, and I need to stop him. I toss Spike aside, but by then it's too late. One wrong swing brings the entire balcony down, along with the people on top, and the few people standing underneath aren't so lucky, either.

I almost get crushed along with them, but I'm suddenly tackled aside and only at the last moment do I realize that Spike is the one who saved me.

Why is he saving me? I thought he hated me? OK, so lately he's been less with the jerk-ass snarking and more with the helping, especially since that thing with Riley, but still…

"Let me up." He stands before holding out a hand towards me, and I accept it before he pulls me to my feet. "What happened to big, blue and ugly?" I ask, turning to the others.

"Gone," says Willow.

I give out orders to them before I turn to help the injured. I see Spike leaning over a girl whose face is covered in blood. It looks like he's trying to make her comfortable, but… "What are you doing?"

He looks up. "Helpin'," he replies. "Not gonna sample. Know you won't like it."

I don't know what to say to that. He shouldn't feed off disaster victims because it's _wrong_, not because he knows I won't like it and is therefore avoiding a punch in the face. But the way he said it – 'Know you won't like it' – doesn't sound like he's just avoiding my wrath. He didn't say it in a snarky way. More…reassuring. Soft.

I can't stop the happiness that swells within me.

* * *

Counting on Spike is something I only used to dream about. But now it's happening. I'm counting on him to watch Mom and Dawn, and somehow, I know he won't let me down.

I didn't think he would help, especially after what happened in the cemetery. I was in a bad mood after the arrival of the Council, on top of the continuing problem of Glory and my annoying history Professor, and having Spike suddenly swoop in to save me from a vamp in a similar way Riley used to… I snapped.

He was just in the line of fire. Really, I should be happy that he's helping me instead of wanting me dead, no matter the reason…

He joked at first when I took Mom and Dawn to him, but he said he'd look after them. Even after I snapped at him – even though I just turned up on his doorstep, expecting him to cooperate.

It's something I can analyse later. Right now there's a new enemy in the form of a gang of King Arthur rejects, and the pressing issue of the Council and their so called tests.

* * *

He called it a round of 'Kick the Spike', and I know, deep down, that's exactly what it was.

Since Spike came back to town and got a chip in his head, whenever things go wrong we've all been guilty of accusing Spike on some level. A few times it actually _was_ his fault, but most of the time we just beat down upon him because our lives suck and we needed to take it out on someone. And Spike's just convenient.

I beat upon him because I knew he'd never return my feelings, and I blamed him for it even though I knew it wasn't his fault.

I look over at Dawn as we walk home from the hospital. She's leaning against Spike, who's covered in injuries he got from taking on the bitch from Hell. It makes me feel guiltier that I blamed him for Dawn finding out, even though it wasn't his fault. He was out with Dawn, yeah, but that was only because he knew he couldn't stop her from venturing out and felt she'd be safer with him "looking over her shoulder".

If anything, it's my fault. I didn't tell Dawn when I had the chance – when I could've sat down with her and Mom and we could've explained what it all meant without frightening her – and instead I let her find out on her own.

Some problems I just make for myself. All this wouldn't have happened had I told Dawn right from the start. It's no one's fault but mine. Not Dawn's. Not Spike's.

My feelings for Spike are my own, and I have to deal with them. I can't blame him for not feeling anything for me, like Riley blamed me for not feeling anything for him – something he never said out loud, but I could see it in his eyes.

I just have to deal, like with everything else in my life.

* * *

Something's going on. Like, seriously going on with Spike.

It all started when I found Dawn in his crypt. I wasn't mad; I was just glad that she was safe and he'd been looking after her. It was after, when Dawn and I were walking home, that she started giving me all these hints that he's changing and now he'll do anything for me. It made me think about what Spike's been doing over the past few months…

He's changing, sure. But changing for me, like Dawn is implying? I can't bring myself to hope. Not after everything I've been through. Not after getting my heart crushed so many times. Not now, when I'm maybe starting to move on and accept that it's never going to work between us.

But now I've found him talking to Mom and Dawn, and he turns and gives me this really gentle look…

Wishful thinking, wishful thinking…

Spike claims he knows some vamps. A pair who might be responsible for the train murders. They're hiding in a warehouse, and he offers to take me there in his car. He doesn't ask for cash, or anything that could make this worth his while. I guess the chance to get some action and fight vampires could count, but…

Waiting in the car is awkward. He offers me some drink, asks me about my tastes in music… If I didn't know any better I'd say this was a…

No. Wishful thinking, wishful thinking…

The vampires arrive. Spike and I get out the car and follow them into the warehouse. They see us, jump to their feet…and promptly turn and run. Spike calls it an embarrassment to his kind, and I can't help but agree. That was pathetic.

I realize that these vampires can't have been responsible for the train murders, because they're nested here – have been for a while – and I imagine the vamp responsible for the murders on the train must've only just arrived. So Spike's pretty much wasted my time, although it was nice to spend time with him even if it's throwing my senses out of whack, making me believe something I know can never work…

He opens the door for me. That's it.

"What is this?" I demand.

Spike looks at me and then at the door, before letting it go. It slams shut. "Wasn't thinkin'. Just…" He paces a little, scratching the back of his head. He's nervous.

I have to get it out there. I can't stand this any longer. My heart can't break again. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was a date."

His eyes widen. "I… Please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean…" Then the comical look fades to be replaced with one filled with…hope. Tenderness. Love. "Do you want it to be?"

Oh.

Oh god.

I can't breathe. I know there's air around me, but it isn't going in and nothing's coming out, and I think air is meaningless to me now.

I've dreamed about this. For years. My reaction was always to jump into his arms happily and kiss him senseless before dragging him to bed and riding him into the sunset. Since then, hopes have been dashed. Hearts broken, namely my own. Things are different now, and it's been a long time since I could bring myself to hope that this would ever happen.

I don't know what to say. What to do. Here Spike is, admitting that he tried to take me on a date – suggesting that he has _feelings_ for me – and I can do nothing but stare at him with an open mouth.

"Oh god…"

"Don't act so shocked," he tells me. The tenderness hasn't gone away, but with it there's a look of seduction. It makes my heart beat faster. "It's not so unusual. Two people, spendin' time in the workplace… Feelings develop."

He couldn't have realized that before? Oh god, he's moving closer… I back up until I hit the wall. And he's still walking towards me.

I've had so many dreams like this… A dream. It has to be a dream. I pinch myself, but instead of waking up in my bed in a cold sweat – like I've done so many times before – I find myself still standing there. Still awake. With Spike still walking towards me, wanting me…

This can't be happening to me… I feel my defences come up automatically. Instead of feeling happiness, all I feel is fear. Of rejection. Of getting hurt. Fear that this might not be real, that Spike might be under some kind of spell that's making him act this way, that he might just be toying with my feelings ready for the ultimate take-down…

"Buffy, I love-"

"Don't!" I blurt out suddenly. "Don't say it!" When did love ever come into the equation? What I feel for him is lust. Just a stupid little crush. Love was never a part of it.

Right?

"You can't run from this," he tells me.

I know. I've been trying to run from my feelings for him for too long. Nothing works. But I can't do this. I can't risk any more pain. But he's all I've ever wanted, and he's standing here telling me that he wants me just as much as I want him, and it would be just so easy to give in despite knowing how bad an idea it is…

If I give in, I'm happy. If I back down, I'm safe.

I do the only thing I can.

I run.

* * *

I head for home, but I don't even make it a couple of blocks before my feet give out from underneath me and I sink to the ground, arms curled around my stomach as I try and stop my whole body from shaking.

Spike.

Loves me.

That's what he was going to say before I stopped him. I know it. It was there in his eyes, undeniable. Heck, it's been there for months now, but I couldn't see it. Refused to see it, too deep in my self-imposed denial out of the fear of heartbreak.

That's why I'm running, I tell myself. I'm too afraid of getting my heart broken again. Too afraid of the pain, too afraid to risk it. Spike could just be playing with me, but that was never his game. Playing with feelings; that was always Angelus. Spike never played around, never lied. Can't lie to save his life. Always wears his heart on his sleeve, and I could see it. The tenderness and hope in his eyes… He meant it.

But what if this is just some spell? It wouldn't have lasted for this long, would it? He would've confronted me about his feelings long before now if it was the result of a spell, and this has been going on for months. Since that conversation outside my house, if I'm guessing the exact point.

So it's most likely true. He loves me. And I'm what, running? I've been hoping for this for so long, and I run like a coward. I mean, I have some pretty good reasons to, but if he really does love me, then he doesn't want to hurt me, right? If he knows me so well, then he must know why I ran. I just…need to talk things out for him. Find out his intentions. If he actually loves me and it's not just some twisted obsession that he's mistaking for love.

I get to my feet and begin to walk. I pick up the pace when I decide I'm not moving fast enough.

Soon enough I'm hurrying towards his crypt. I sense two vampires inside, but the other must be Harmony. I'll just kick her out or stake her. It's obvious now that Spike doesn't feel anything for her. Was probably just using her for sex. That should insult me, but I can't bring myself to get angry about that.

I kick open the door. "Spike? Spike, are you-?"

I freeze.

The other vampire isn't Harmony.

It's Drusilla.

She laughs when she sees me. "The sunshine has come to play. She wants to break up our family again, my William."

I turn to Spike. For a moment I think it's a set up – he only told me those things so I'd come here and he'd let Drusilla kill me – but then I see the worry in his eyes. The surprise. He hadn't known she was here, either. I remember the murders on the train and realize that she was responsible.

I reach for a stake but come up empty. Of course. I dropped my stake back at the warehouse after Spike admitted…

"You broke up the family last time, Dru," says Spike, his voice purposely calm. "Or don't you recall fuckin' you precious Daddy eight ways at once?"

"Families share. Daddy was back and he wanted to play." Drusilla looks at me again, and I really don't like her expression. "The sunshine wants to play, but I don't like her games. Her games will burn you up, my Spike."

"A bit too late for that, Dru," says Spike. He turns to me then, and I can see it. Love. He loves me.

Drusilla laughs. "I know. I knew it before you did. The pixies in my head whispered it to me. You taste of ashes. I look at you, and all I see is the Slayer. You burn for her. It consumes you. But I can fix that." Her expression grows even more dangerous and I back away.

"Dru, don't," says Spike. He steps towards her, arm outstretched. "You and I; we were done in Brazil. You can't fix me."

"I can," she insists. "The Slayer; she burns for you, too. Long before you have. If I turn out the light, all that will be left is darkness, and you will be born again."

As Drusilla says those words, I see Spike's expression change to shock and confusion as he looks over at me – darn, why did the bitch have to tell him that? – but before he can say anything, Drusilla pushes him aside and throws herself at me.

I hold out my hands to stop her sharp nails from slashing my neck – I shake away the image of Kendra lying on the floor in the library, bled to death – and both hands grip Drusilla's wrists. She shifts into game face and goes for my neck, and I bend my knees and push her up as far as I can to stop her. But she's strong, and I don't think I'll be able to hold her off much longer before she decides to use a thrall on me-

Suddenly ashes are raining down on me, and the weight disappears. It takes me a moment to realize that Drusilla is dust.

It takes me a moment longer to figure out who did it.

Spike stares at me, stake in hand, and I watch as his eyes widen when the realization of what he's just done sinks within him.

"Dru…oh god, Dru…"

He sinks to his knees, tears in his eyes, as I get to my feet. I don't feel any jealousy or resentment, because Drusilla was the love of his life; his sire.

And yet he killed her to save me. _Me_. If that doesn't speak volumes…

I kneel behind him and lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. Taking it as the invitation it is, Spike's head falls into my lap, and he weeps.

* * *

At some point I move him over to the couch and sit down. He doesn't sit next to me. Just continues to rest his head in my lap and cry as I gently run my fingers through his hair. It begins to curl. It's a good look on him.

Harmony shows up at some point, but she takes one look at me before high-tailing it out of there. Hopefully she won't be coming back.

I sit with Spike for hours – at least into the early hours of the morning – before he finally seems to cry himself dry and sits up, wiping away the tear stains and pulling himself together. Or as much as he can. Then he looks at me.

I look at him.

For minutes we sit there in silence, watching each other.

"Dru said…" He looks away. He's not able to say it, and seeing the expression on his face, I can see why.

He can't bring himself to hope. Just like I couldn't.

"I've had feelings for you for…a long time," I confess. I have to. After that, he deserves to hear me out. "I kept telling myself that it was wrong. That I shouldn't be feeling anything for you. But no matter what I did, I just couldn't forget about you. Angel, Parker, Riley… I used them all to fill up that empty hole in my heart. I guess I got my comeuppance when they all blew up in my face…"

"Wait…" He frowns. "Angel? Back then… That conversation we had…"

I nod. "That's how far back I go."

He stares. "So you're sayin' that the Poof and Captain Cardboard could've all been avoided if I'd…" Then he sighs and looks away, running a hand across his face. "I'm such a wanker."

I giggle. "You were an evil jerk back then. I can't blame you for acting like one. You would never have forgotten about the love of your life because of me. You hated me."

"I know. Still…" He sighs again. "Christ, you've put me through hell these past few months. I'm not gonna lie; I was horrified when I first found out what I felt for you. It made me want to kill you even more. But I couldn't, and not just because of the chip. I didn't understand how I felt, or why I felt it. Took me some weeks to figure it all out; sort through my feelings, find out what I wanted… Got it all straightened round about the time I showed you what Captain Cardboard had been up to."

That makes sense. He didn't really try to help without getting paid until after all that had happened. His signals weren't as mixed and confusing. He seemed more sure of himself after that; more certain.

"Things haven't exactly been a walk in the park for me, either," I explain. "When I first saw you, I felt nothing but lust. You were hot, you were a bad boy; every girl's dream guy. I knew it was wrong, and I told myself that so many times, but I just couldn't forget you. Angel was a distraction; all the guys I've dated have been distractions. A way to tell myself that I don't want you. It was painful, because I was hurting myself by being with guys I don't want, but it hurt to know that you didn't want me. Part of me was just waiting for the day that you opened your arms and let me in."

"Then why did you run?"

I sigh. "Because over time, the hope faded away. I kept on telling myself that you'd never want me, and I guess by that point, I believed myself. I didn't want to get hurt again, and I didn't want to take the risk that you might be telling me the truth instead of lying or being under some spell." Just like he did, I drag my hand across my face. "God, saying that I'm seriously messed up is a massive understatement."

"Love does that," says Spike. "It burns and consumes. It hurts; it's pain. But that's where the strength comes from. Love, pain… It gives you the strength to keep goin', no matter what. It changes people. For better, for worse; that's for you to decide."

"I still can't believe you've changed," I say aloud. "It just seems so…surreal, after knowing you as a jerk for so long."

"I believe it's called 'character development', pet."

I smile. But then I backtrack. He said 'love'. Described what I feel as love. Do I love him?

I thought it was lust. I thought it was a crush. But maybe, somewhere down the line, I fell in love with him. It should be twisted and wrong, but it's not. It's just what I feel, and maybe calling it wrong is what's been causing this pain within me all these years, and not just the notion of loving someone who can never love me back.

Love, pain… Love _is_ pain. You can't have one without the other. But am I willing to risk the pain?

I know it won't be easy. My friends will think I'm crazy. But if I play my cards right, I can steadily bring them around, one by one. I can start with Mom and Dawn first; family support. Dawn will be fine with it, of course. Mom might be; she likes Spike. The only problem I can imagine her having with him is the fact that he's not human. He can't give me a normal life, or kids. But if I show her how happy he makes me, then she'll see. Hopefully.

Tara next. Spike says that he likes her, and I can see why. She talks to him like a person. Accepts him for who he is. She'll understand. Then Anya, who's never had an issue with Spike, being a former demon herself. Then the two of them can help bring Willow and Xander around.

Willow will be the easiest, I think. She's eased up on Spike ever since that thing with Tara, plus she can perform that spell I tried before – that one which makes spells visible – in order to prove that I'm not under some kind of spell or thrall. Then I'll have enough support to go up against Xander and Giles, who'll both be the hardest of all to convince.

And heaven forbid if I have to tell Angel.

I shake my head. I decide not to think about that now. But I will, and I'm willing to take the risk. I've been fooling myself for so long, trying to make myself happy and satisfy those around me. And what has that left me with? A broken heart.

It's time to do something for myself. And since I now know my feelings will be returned…

I kiss Spike. Without any kind of magic. And he kisses me back before leading me towards the bedroom.


End file.
